insomnia, lately

goddamn i am so sick of insomnia
and taking ambien
i haven't felt sleepy in awhile.
i think that the times i can't sleep but want to but don't want to take ambien i can't because now i am reliant on it to actually fall asleep during this time.

i am tired as fuck. but i still can't sleep. i just lay in bed, and things go dark and scary.

sometimes, when it's really late and i try to and can sleep, my body falls asleep and i can't move my arms or legs. but my mind is wide awake. sometimes my eyes are open. but i can't move. sometimes i hear voices whispering or think i see things moving. i feel weight on my chest, lightly constricting my breath. it's my mind falling into a dream mode while my body is asleep but my brain is still conscious and presently aware of my surroundings. this goes on for about an hour or so, as my body falls asleep, my mind alert, fear in paralyzation grips me, and i seek all over for some nerve ending that i can control. maybe my little toe. that works sometimes. i try to wiggle it until i actually can, and then i jerk awake, body and mind. i lay back down again. repeat process, etc. the worst thing about this is that i get it all the time lately. no wait the worse part is that every single time i get it, i panic and freak out. it's happened to me enough, but every single time it happens, i am fully aware that i am conscious and cannot move a muscle and i just get all scared and that's what i think leads to what i like to call "dream hallucinations" - dream like occurrences that happen in the context and place of where your physical body is. one time i felt weight on my chest and saw above me a ghost tiger, with glowing eyes, running towards my face but never getting there. it's just weird stuff like that.

i just thought of a new phrase. instead of saying "doing x and x is such a bitch" you can replace that with "birthing bitch" original, i know right? :(

aha! i must exercise. i knew writing would show me the way. if i exercised, i would be so tired that i would fall asleep.

well last night for trying to sleep without being thoroughly tired, brilliant, lily. it's 2:21 and i have to wake up in 4 hrs. this is so much fun.