October 15, 2007

October 11, 2007

you say we should be fine

i see you all the time
i wish i wish
that we'd fall behind

this is the only one
that we've been talking of
i hope i hope
that you are ready to go

time comes and twists my arm
don't go get me alarmed
i know i know
that you found my secret heart

river that flows on grand
keep going going rush
around around
you'll know i'll stand through strong

at dusk you found your way
the river bed was stained
i'm sore so sorry
to say that i'll be long

please keep marching away
you're a soldier not here to say
i can't i never
with any for too long

so leave while it's still bright and maybe you'll find your way around again, and maybe just maybe we'll find ourselves back at the square that past

so no matter how we try
nothing will ever be right
you're whole i'm none
this is the worst equation
that either of us tried

October 07, 2007

determination / why we strive in life

ultimately, it's not about a goal, aside for his pleasure and completion in Christ to more fully ACT/STRIVE in the growing knowledge that the goal as already been achieved. through this, our reason for striving leaves a state of of temporal and simpleminded action-for-goal reasoning and pursuit. so here is something that was triggered from a text:

on determination-

sometimes determination is born out of frustration and sometimes from joy.

the same amount of striving, the same amount of completion most times.

the only real difference i see is that in one, i become compelled out of misery and in the other, compelled out of happiness. when i am compelled from misery, it's because i've been so frustrated at being in one place for so long. in a sense, determination out of frustration takes longer to be born, while in joy, it is sudden, fast, and immediately productive. our progression from the point of inaction to the process of actions is either done in anger or in love.

during the process: i am completely miserable and angry in one, and in the other, i am completely steadfast in joy. (not happiness, but a steady confidence, and this is partially because I am doing as I will while concurrently achieving what I will(desire))

when complete, i feel immense satisfaction concluding both types. in one, i become even more reliant on myself, and in the other, more humble, grateful and amazed. (i was relying on the strength of another, God, but aside that, I was not doing it for the purpose of achievement, but bc I also desired to pursue the work in the process.)

to conclude with a tiny instance of striving, you can see that achievement (any level) in a sense is inevitable just as time is inevitable. the results of what inspired us to action and what compelled us to do as we did is very different though.

who we are today is built from the actions we took in the past. we have "achieved" ourselves. (not to put over-weight onto free will, but as we are here on earth, for God has put us here, and put command over the body and mind of ourselves in stewardship, just as he has to everyman)

life. that is what we cannot control. even further- our existence. when someone kills themself, they may no longer be physically living, but their soul certainly exists and they can't stop that from existing. so ultimately, we don't have total control. (duh)

what i am trying to drive down to is a simple tiny fact that may seem insignificant to you, but as in everything, to ponder, was good perspective-wise for me:

life is a "game" and we are the players. We don't have a choice whether we wanted to play or not. we're here, and that's that. emotions are relative, and as far as we exist in this 4 dimensional earth, time is not.

emotions can be altered, inspiration can be created, and if something is inevitable to occur, why not do so in a why that we actually enjoy the process of being created, brings us further from ourselves and closer to Him aside from the simple purpose of why we strive.

now i am laughing bc sometimes it takes me lifetimes of slow thought and blind confusion to come to the obvious answers that lie in the word:

I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. (phil. 3:14)

so what does this mean? i'm still figuring out how that manifests itself in me and how i can pursue it with my actions. obviously, this is talking about something that we actually have to ultimately pursue.

so it comes down to, why we pursue something. is it the temporary goal of whatever we can see that is the underlining reason for our striving? or is it for something that we cannot fully see, that we cannot fully attain and say, yes, i achieved this, in my own merit, and it was hard.

we press on, not for the achievement (and i speak now of temp goals, including 20 year ones, the ones for this earth), but something beyond that, something eternal that cannot be stacked up and traded in for from a mass of earthly achievements. the only way we can truly achieve this goal in the game of life is through actions, and the reasons that compel them, rather then stunted sprints for bunny prizes.

so wow, with every word i write my brain is going in 27 directions and i'm realizing that i'm opening up a whole realm to explore and i don't have the time nor ability to analyze everything

i find that, in most things, when i pursue them for just that (the pressing on part (and this is rare for me)), my joy is not rooted in success or the desire for it. my joy and motivation, and the actions that flow from them is done from the pure delight of doing such striving, and the sheer excitement to run after something that is so big and amazing and so fast that i can't catch. am i laughing? sometimes in the worst i am. my compellings, my pursuit, my reasons for emotion is not rooted in the yes or no of the temporal, and in this way, i am untouchably safe. for nothing can hurt me when i have nothing to lose. there is no need to strive and stress. for i have everything in Christ. all that i truly need and have reason to pursue for the sake of achievement has been achieved, given to me freely, and i, in a million lifetimes of striving and striving could never achieve such a colossall goal. and now, there is nothing for me left to do, but the striving part, which can be done in pure joy if we choose to remain conscious to the reality of our position. there is not goal to achieve, except that to strive. it's done
it's over. and yes, for a few short decades, we'll be here a little longer. no need to panic, only to laugh smile, and do things just cause we can (like striving) not bc we have to. God makes life beautiful, doesn't he?

here's the rest of it: (the surrounds in phil. 3):

12 Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. 13 Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. 15 Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. 16 Only let us hold true to what we have attained.

and when i looked for answers, i was told to look in the word and here is some else that god showed me:

12 Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, 13 for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.

Collosians 1:9-10

9 And so, from the day we heard, we have not ceased to pray for you, asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, 10 so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God. 11 May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy, 12 giving thanks [4] to the Father, who has qualified you [5] to share in the inheritance of the saints in light. 13 He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, 14 in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

so it's a foreign thought. that every time we strive it's not for a goal, bc it's already been achieved. we do it, so that in every action and achievement we bring Him pleasure and glory. sounds simple, it ain't. it's hard to do because it's against everything we've assumed for as long as we are human.

NOT MINE! here is one i found on flickr

September 23, 2007

look up. it's something we don't do often enough. we look at the ground. our feet are expansive. try sky. shocking that i/you/we never tried that before...


this yvonne at/is night on the c.fam drive. so grainy!

September 03, 2007

DSC_0374, originally uploaded by ligerlily.

JoelA: yea you

DSC_0356, originally uploaded by ligerlily.

JoelB: lovely eyes

joelC: jumping. with a sword.

August 24, 2007

the day started out like this

later, lighting erupted and we had to stop fishing

the day ended like this

August 22, 2007

my favorite squirrel neighbor

sand crabs for fishing. i caught too many and we let them go.

two blue flower things from a garden in the black forest of germany

March 28, 2007

red. black. yellow. white. black.
wake up
white. black. white. white. WHITE
wake up
stre ------- tch
floating dust appearing here and there when they fall by where the sun comes in....
"lily, wake up!"
drifting off
strange dreams
with friends
too close!
oh - pAUsE! (refrain refrain)
by now the place is empty
and everyone will hear you but everyone
is gone
help m e n o w
my drifting sleep(s)
carries me through
and hot summer rays and heat bugs and grass
makes a new cycle of river rays
till fall's yellow gross moldy cold
wakes me up
makes my back

March 26, 2007

I've kinda been posting in this other blog - http://ioannalily.blogspot.com/

this is more of my bad poetry blog. the other is more like a rambling journal.

also, this just in: i ate a banana today. i also brushed my teeth. read more about my exciting day here.

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