April 28, 2010

insomnia, lately

goddamn i am so sick of insomnia
and taking ambien
i haven't felt sleepy in awhile.
i think that the times i can't sleep but want to but don't want to take ambien i can't because now i am reliant on it to actually fall asleep during this time.

i am tired as fuck. but i still can't sleep. i just lay in bed, and things go dark and scary.

sometimes, when it's really late and i try to and can sleep, my body falls asleep and i can't move my arms or legs. but my mind is wide awake. sometimes my eyes are open. but i can't move. sometimes i hear voices whispering or think i see things moving. i feel weight on my chest, lightly constricting my breath. it's my mind falling into a dream mode while my body is asleep but my brain is still conscious and presently aware of my surroundings. this goes on for about an hour or so, as my body falls asleep, my mind alert, fear in paralyzation grips me, and i seek all over for some nerve ending that i can control. maybe my little toe. that works sometimes. i try to wiggle it until i actually can, and then i jerk awake, body and mind. i lay back down again. repeat process, etc. the worst thing about this is that i get it all the time lately. no wait the worse part is that every single time i get it, i panic and freak out. it's happened to me enough, but every single time it happens, i am fully aware that i am conscious and cannot move a muscle and i just get all scared and that's what i think leads to what i like to call "dream hallucinations" - dream like occurrences that happen in the context and place of where your physical body is. one time i felt weight on my chest and saw above me a ghost tiger, with glowing eyes, running towards my face but never getting there. it's just weird stuff like that.

i just thought of a new phrase. instead of saying "doing x and x is such a bitch" you can replace that with "birthing bitch" original, i know right? :(

aha! i must exercise. i knew writing would show me the way. if i exercised, i would be so tired that i would fall asleep.

well last night for trying to sleep without being thoroughly tired, brilliant, lily. it's 2:21 and i have to wake up in 4 hrs. this is so much fun.

February 15, 2010

ABS Nationals has me super pumped!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last Saturday I was working at REI when I got a call from Hunter around 4pm. There was apparently some sort of competition that he sounded super excited about and didn’t find out about until last minute. Long story short, I convinced my manager to let me off work a tad early so I could go to Alexandria, VA to see the ABS Nationals Comp. Do you want to know who was there???? Among others… Alex Puccio, Alex Johnson, Daniel Woods, Paul Robinson, Matt Bosley, other awesome climbers that I don’t know because I only know a few of them awesome climbers…
BAD ASS!!!! The comp was crowded, small, and extremely legit. So anyways, Alex Puccio crushed the women’s side, Alex Johnson for a close second. Alex Puccio crushed also on the women’s final problem which was an overhanging very dynamic v8++++??? problem. The problem was so clean looking. I have no idea how it flowed because I didn’t talk to any of the climber(s) that completed it- Alex… and Alex? (Since I also don’t know them. I did see Alex Puccio talking to some people after the comp, and Hutner nudged me, and was like why don’t you go talk to her… No way, though. I was too much in awe to simply see her climbing before my eyes. Besides, if I were to approach Alex Puccio, what would I say? Wow you are an awesome climber and and and and good job and and you are an insane inspiration and and ….) To the men’s- Daniel Woods CRUSHED the men’s side. I don’t know why Paul Robinson did so horribly that night. Something was obviously off because he is super super strong.
All of this sounded better in my head when I thought of all the excited things I wanted to remember about the comp. The gyst of it is I AM NOW SUPER PUMPED ABOUT ROCK CLIMBING!!!!! To witness some of the strongest climbers in the country competing right before my eyes just did something to me. Now I am super pumped about climbing. Climbing is awesome. Blah. So anyways, I have to give climbing an award. Climbing, I love you. I have never had a serious mate. But since I met you almost 2 years ago, I have been continually and exponentially hooked. Climbing thank you for being a stern but rewarding master, and for continually keeping my body from going blah. I could go on, but my key point is that I have never successfully stuck with any sort of hobby or sport in my life for more than a year. High school sports don’t really count. Why? Because I had no real interest or skill in them, I just did them. Anyways, climbing I love you. Mwa.
So in other news, I was so super pumped about climbing, that the next I skipped church (BAD) and went to the gym in Columbia. Granted, it’s fake rock. Granted, it’s indoors. Granted Columbia is soft. BUT I did on-sight a V6, a V5, sent another V6 in 3 tries, and 2 more V5’s. Which is pretty strong for me to do in 3 hours, since I tend to project V6’s. Anyways it was my first (indoors = lame!!!) gym V6 onsight and so I am super proud of myself. Go lily. The end. I am going to have to maintain an uber amount of self-control and not go to the gym today after my 9 hour shift of retail work since I only had 2 hours of sleep last night.
In other news LISA RANDS has joined the ranks with LYNN HILL into being my two favorite female badass buttkicking climbers. Lisa has been climbing since she was 17. She is turned 35 this year. So that means she will be soon hitting 18 years of badass awesome fun-crazy-hardcore-brave-mentally attuned awesome climbing!!! Go Lisa Rands!!!!

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