a random poem of the night inspired by Alan Ginsberg

cleaned it up a bit:

Forever and ever and ever ago
the strains of common time
from which was once bound little men
has now given arise
to a greater dawn adorned
tethered without boundaries
one without dimensions
we were once constrained
instantly that now he knows you know she knows
and then
they know
what a fallacy that falls, pulls and breaks the ties of fried
mind, in mankind
in darkness shivering
desperate for a light
yet light abounds in
gone to whisper
she shudders at the thought
the carousel was full
the children laughed, cut free
thank you coming, come again
and sudden, an image in their heads
and then they sought them each each night unto their very death,
beds were wet
horrors relinquished
quenched endless thirsts
the classic lots of more for less
and less is more yet best
the truth has emptied out
single file
on the patterned floor
eyesores sorted with lint,
and no longer can i distinguish
the butter from the bread
is this what truth
has now become
suddenly, a side swept side
bared parallel to the rest
beautiful yet incognito look at life worth lived
passively the sway of time turns timid girls to trembling terrors
the ancient rhythm rhymes
ether-real ethics-based redundant copulations
that some vagrant being with massed testosterone
and wielding weapon would muster
his forceful terror hence
masked so well
that a thousand times willful
the mask could cover
lies a mile deep
and at the end of trenching so
at least a foot was reached
victories of the night, of the day henceforth
are yet a microcosm
in the line of life's lipped sight
referral of mayhem to rapacious dense designs
the fool proof
will drain you dry and endless to its triumph triumphs.
- the petty pretty sigh

I ♥ AIR!!

Surfing on a Rocket (remix by joakim) by Air

insomnia, lately

goddamn i am so sick of insomnia
and taking ambien
i haven't felt sleepy in awhile.
i think that the times i can't sleep but want to but don't want to take ambien i can't because now i am reliant on it to actually fall asleep during this time.

i am tired as fuck. but i still can't sleep. i just lay in bed, and things go dark and scary.

sometimes, when it's really late and i try to and can sleep, my body falls asleep and i can't move my arms or legs. but my mind is wide awake. sometimes my eyes are open. but i can't move. sometimes i hear voices whispering or think i see things moving. i feel weight on my chest, lightly constricting my breath. it's my mind falling into a dream mode while my body is asleep but my brain is still conscious and presently aware of my surroundings. this goes on for about an hour or so, as my body falls asleep, my mind alert, fear in paralyzation grips me, and i seek all over for some nerve ending that i can control. maybe my little toe. that works sometimes. i try to wiggle it until i actually can, and then i jerk awake, body and mind. i lay back down again. repeat process, etc. the worst thing about this is that i get it all the time lately. no wait the worse part is that every single time i get it, i panic and freak out. it's happened to me enough, but every single time it happens, i am fully aware that i am conscious and cannot move a muscle and i just get all scared and that's what i think leads to what i like to call "dream hallucinations" - dream like occurrences that happen in the context and place of where your physical body is. one time i felt weight on my chest and saw above me a ghost tiger, with glowing eyes, running towards my face but never getting there. it's just weird stuff like that.

i just thought of a new phrase. instead of saying "doing x and x is such a bitch" you can replace that with "birthing bitch" original, i know right? :(

aha! i must exercise. i knew writing would show me the way. if i exercised, i would be so tired that i would fall asleep.

well last night for trying to sleep without being thoroughly tired, brilliant, lily. it's 2:21 and i have to wake up in 4 hrs. this is so much fun.